An open letter to my cat
May 19th, 2009Raimi
Let me just start this letter by saying that I love you. Growing up in Indiana, my family always sought the
company of dogs, birds and fish. In the Betz household the word “cat” was almost as dirty as the word “shit”, “foreskin” or “democrat”. When I was twelve years dumb, an old school chums pet cat dug its claws right into my thighs. In the horror films that littered my childhood the cat was always symbol of evil, bad omens or the cheap scare. All of these elements, mixed in a big ol’ pot of ignorance, had an effect on me. I was conditioned to believe that cats were the dingleberries of Satan, harvesting souls for his county famous wicked sin gumbo (and that the democrats wanted to steal all my precious young boy money). You, my sweet pussy, have changed everything.
You are adorable and a bundle of fun to play with. You love to have your belly scratched and your fascination with paper bags causes me to grin like the joker (circa – Jack Nicholson). Your pirate eye and muted squeak are sometimes the only things that  calm the inner-turmoil of my darkened days. All of this and a million other reasons are why I love you.
But…
For the love of all that is fucking holy, would you please stop sneezing and covering my entire life in your gooey-ass, globular
-green snot balls?!? Seriously, it was cute for a while, but I promise you bitch, it’s getting old. I can appreciate the couch you’ve claimed as “snot mountain”. You know what, it’s all yours. But when you think that you’re going to expand your empire…you, my little ball of cute, are sadly mistaken. The bed is mine. You may sleep with me, yes, but then you best get that nose of yours in line. I refuse to keep waking up in the middle of night to a face full of your creamy nasal mucus. I am also well aware that the walls in the apartment should not be wrinkled and glossy, so don’t tell me it was like that when I moved in! I guaruntee you I could hop on Craigslist and find someone who eats cute kitties. Don’t make me be that asshole. I have enough shit in my life, I don’t need your snot glazing it.
I love you. Now fucking stop it.
Much Love
Travis
Consider these: http://s2.thisnext.com/media/230×230/Smileys-Nose-Plugs_7608ADB1.jpg
what kind of cat is she? she’s adorable and all long necked and stuff. i likes.
fucking hilarious. really!
My Mom was never fond of cats either, but nothing compares to the eeuw factor she instilled within me of rodents. A friends cat insists on climbing on the back of the sofa, and hugging my head, whilst she whips up an F-d up hairdo for me with her paws. I like cats, but am allergic to Pussy, euphemistically perhaps also.
Raimi’s idea of wall glazing is perhaps unorthodox, but it takes “going green” to a whole other level. -David/NPS
She’s a Tabby. About 7 months old.
This post made me smile, and then gag.
I have never been fond of kitties either!!! Thank god I am allergic or my husband would have had a houseful by now. But I finally found a pet chocolate lab, who is now my dearesr baby and buddy. It too drools when it watches my hubby eat, total grossness!!!
BTW, do you write books or novels. Your writing style is very creative and effective!!!
Reggie
I write screenplays, but I am hoping to do the novel thing one day.
U oh… If the cat is sneezing a lot, it needs to go to the vet. Trust me!
Cute cat rant.
Hey Trav! It sounds like Raimi has allergies. Our yellow lab Murphy has them and it SUCKS! The vet will actually tell you to give them Benedryl or Zyrtec or Claritin. They can be allergic to dust or even to themselves. Who knew? She sure is cute though and you are funny!