What’s up my Rex’s? I hope you’re sitting down…well, I’m sitting down so I guess that works since you’re on my feet. Anyway. We need to talk. I think you’re really cool. I love the T-Rex skeletons splashed across your black canvas. Subtle at first but when you really get in there and look, BAM! There you are. I also love the sole with your dinosaur footprint that gets left behind when I walk on loose dirt. When I go hiking people think a baby T-Rex is on the loose! …

Dear Pollywog
I’m not sure what your internet situation is inside Annie’s womb (I know they have wi-fi in the apartment), so I’m not sure if and when you will read this letter. In the hopes that you do, I’d like to offer up a few words and maybe some scattered advice, hoping to better prepare you for what it will be like being raised by two of my closest friends, and what having me as an Uncle might do to you mentally.
When Ward and Annie (those are your parents names) …

Productive Streak
Well, well, well. Where the hell have you been? So you think after however long it’s been that you can just waltz back into my life? You’re lucky you’re so damn cute.  I’ve missed you, and I’m glad you’re back. It’s kind of nice looking back over the projects you and started ages ago but never finished. We were filled with such inspiration! But then you started looking around. You were bored with me. I caught you staring at other projects while I was at home slaving over the …

Pepsi
My girlfriend and I happen to live in an apartment that faces a large office building. This building is one of the many unfortunate structures that is plagued by the new (and ugly as fuck)  trend of full building banner advertisements. While I do not like them, over the past couple years, my lady and I find a bizarre excitement in seeing what new ad we’ll get to stare at for the next month. On the rare occasion we get lucky and a cool movie ad will go up. But …

Left Thigh
I’ll admit, I never gave you much thought. I never caught myself pondering about what you must be thinking or feeling. I certainly never bothered to get to know your likes and dislikes. Perhaps it is my lack of interest that caused you to betray me, or maybe you just wanted to get my attention and draw focus from the right thigh. Whatever the case may be, could you knock it the fuck off?
I was concerned for you at first. When you started feeling strange a week after I …

Dead spider
You’re still there. I barely notice you anymore as you’ve become as natural a part of the environment as the desk and computer. Your tiny legs jutting out from your crushed body seems no more unusual to me then my stapler. You are just one of the things that make up my work space.
I remember the day we met. Do you? Wait, of course you don’t. Your brain is unable to recall memories because I smashed it flat into the wall 8 years ago. Well, I remember it. I …

Dr. Peppers
Walk with me for a moment two years in the past. The night we first met. I was at Target wandering the aisles. You were on display along with a few other patterns. I’m not sure you saw me straight away, but I saw you. I never realized have desperate I was for comfort until my eyes fell upon your familiar logo running down two soft cotton legs. I had always partook in your beverage, in fact, it remains my favorite amongst the soda pop family. Maybe that’s why …

Harper
So, you’re finally turning one. Sitting up all on your own and crawling are two of your major accomplishments. That’s good, because they will come in handy with the advice I’m about to lay on you. But before I rock your infant world with wisdom, let’s take a brief look back at your first year of life.
You slid on out of your mom’s vagina…which is more detail than I really needed to write down considering it was my sisters vag…Oh, sweet god, stop it Travis! New paragragh.
Drooling, shitting, pissing, eating, …

Raimi
Let me just start this letter by saying that I love you. Growing up in Indiana, my family always sought the
company of dogs, birds and fish. In the Betz household the word “cat” was almost as dirty as the word “shit”, “foreskin” or “democrat”. When I was twelve years dumb, an old school chums pet cat dug its claws right into my thighs. In the horror films that littered my childhood the cat was always symbol of evil, bad omens or the cheap scare. All of these elements, mixed in …