Let me just start this letter by saying that I love you. Growing up in Indiana, my family always sought the
company of dogs, birds and fish. In the Betz household the word “cat” was almost as dirty as the word “shit”, “foreskin” or “democrat”. When I was twelve years dumb, an old school chums pet cat dug its claws right into my thighs. In the horror films that littered my childhood the cat was always symbol of evil, bad omens or the cheap scare. All of these elements, mixed in a big ol’ pot of ignorance, had an effect on me. I was conditioned to believe that cats were the dingleberries of Satan, harvesting souls for his county famous wicked sin gumbo (and that the democrats wanted to steal all my precious young boy money). You, my sweet pussy, have changed everything.

You are adorable and a bundle of fun to play with. You love to have your belly scratched and your fascination with paper bags causes me to grin like the joker (circa – Jack Nicholson). Your pirate eye and muted squeak are sometimes the only things that  calm the inner-turmoil of my darkened days. All of this and a million other reasons are why I love you.

But…

For the love of all that is fucking holy, would you please stop sneezing and covering my entire life in your gooey-ass, globular-green snot balls?!? Seriously, it was cute for a while, but I promise you bitch, it’s getting old. I can appreciate the couch you’ve claimed as “snot mountain”. You know what, it’s all yours. But when you think that you’re going to expand your empire…you, my little ball of cute, are sadly mistaken. The bed is mine. You may sleep with me, yes, but then you best get that nose of yours in line. I refuse to keep waking up in the middle of night to a face full of your creamy nasal mucus. I am also well aware that the walls in the apartment should not be wrinkled and glossy, so don’t tell me it was like that when I moved in! I guaruntee you I could hop on Craigslist and find someone who eats cute kitties. Don’t make me be that asshole. I have enough shit in my life, I don’t need your snot glazing it.

I love you. Now fucking stop it.

Much Love
Travis

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