People of Earth! For the many of you who visit my site regularly you mot likely know me as THE RECEPTIONIST. If you don’t…well….catch up!
This year I am trying to take my little web series to the next level. That level is winning an award for my hard work and humor. The Streamy’s is basically the Academy Awards for web shows. It would be just dandy if you take a very short breath from your life, click the link and nominate me! The cool thing is, if you’re really dedicated you can do this once a day…but I’ll be more than happy with just the one nom.
I couldn’t resist. I had to make one more Halloween themed Receptionist episode. This one explores the fictional origins of how the Jack-O-Lantern may have come to be. Enjoy, and happy Halloween to everyone!
You’re still there. I barely notice you anymore as you’ve become as natural a part of the environment as the desk and computer. Your tiny legs jutting out from your crushed body seems no more unusual to me then my stapler. You are just one of the things that make up my work space.
I remember the day we met. Do you? Wait, of course you don’t. Your brain is unable to recall memories because I smashed it flat into the wall 8 years ago. Well, I remember it. I had just started this office job and learning the ropes. Still a fresh young face in Hollywood, this job would only be temporary as I would be selling a screenplay at any moment, propelling my career into the tinsel-stained stratosphere. I spied you on the wall, a mere few inches above my head. You were kinda cute. Tiny body, thin little legs. You kept a casual pace, as if perhaps that slab of wall was your beach. I’m not sure why I did it. Perhaps I saw some sick metaphor in the fact that you were ahead of me in Hollywood. Maybe at the time I was looking to crush a bug like I planed to crush this town. Or maybe I was just being an evil bastard that day. I really can’t remember. All I know is that I took the end of my pen and dotted you flat with it. Then I left you there. Like some discarded Christ figure for all other spiders to see. A scarecrow warning.Â
Now here we are. 8 years have passed since our dance and I am looking up at you once again. Â Things are different though. Now there are greater emotions rushing through my body. You are no longer just a dead spider on the wall. You are a shard of jagged glass floating freely through my blood stream, poking and tearing its way around my body. I look at you now and I feel the weight of time. You are the wasted hours I have sat at this desk, plotting my grand exit, but failing year after year. You are a bended fun house mirror, showing me I am both the bug and the squasher of my own island of paddleless boats. You, dead arachnid, are now punching me square in the face with each new/old day that goes by. You are a calendar, a clock, an hourglass and a watch, constantly reminding me how many fucking years I have been here. Dead spider…this ends today.
It finally happened. The day I have been dreading since I started this whack-crazed project I callThe Receptionist. Tucked away in a tiny office somewhere in Hollywood, I have been making construction paper short films on and off for almost three years now. In that time I am occasionally (very rarely) recognized in public. For the few times this has happened it has always been very pleasant and I have enjoyed the attention. It’s a good feeling to see people who enjoy your work face to face. No longer are they simply screen names with kind words, but are flesh and blood and excited to see you. So yeah, that’s a nice feeling. Then it all went wrong.
It was Monday, June 1st. I was sitting at work behind my desk, as I always do, waiting patiently for the phone to ring (thus is my job as a receptionist). Suddenly, a young man enters the front doors and asks me if there is a restroom on this floor. I give him the information he requires, directing him to the other side of the courtyard where the throne of man resides. He thanks me and is about to leave when suddenly he stops. He takes a good long look at me and then says, “You’re The Receptionist.” Time froze. I was not prepared for this and for a moment I forgot where I was and who I was. “Yes.” I said, not knowing what else to say. He proceeded to tell me that he was turned on to my videos by a friend of his and that he saw me making out with a bull made of paper…so he definitely had the right guy. After that, he asked if he could take my picture using his camera phone. I agreed and smiled. SNAP! The picture was taken, but I was still caught in the bizarre headlights of surprise. We chatted for a few minutes about my work and what he did (he was a production assistant for a very popular show and was dropping something off to one of the upstairs offices). He was very nice. Cool guy and all. So why was this an issue for me?
After he had gone I thought about the experience. The reason I felt so awkward during the entire exchange was not because he had recognized me, but instead where he had recognized me. I was at work. Behind my desk. my RECEPTION desk! I’ve never made it a secret that I am actually a  receptionist. The whole origins of my web series stems from being a receptionist. My gimmick has always been that I make the videos at work, during business hours. I have always taken a small amount of pride in this. I developed a small fan base for the show and answered questions about my work…but then, one day, someone finds me in my habitat! A pair of eyes spies me working not as a happy-go-lucky, paper adventure man, but as an honest to god, “please hold while I transfer your call”, receptionist. A job that I have had for far to long. Suddenly I felt the way I dread feeling…like a receptionist. Like a trained monkey who answers other peoples phone calls for a living. At that moment it didn’t matter that I had made three feature films or a number of web shows. What the hell did I have to show for all my hard work and creativity? I had a phone and a desk. I had a bi-weekly paycheck that barely covered my bills. I had bags under my eyes and a hat to hide my unwashed hair.  And so the exchange, for me, was different than the others. It was more honest. Less rock star. It was sobering.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not throwing a pity party for myself. I am very happy with the movies I have made. I love the Receptionist series. I am thankful for the success I have had in my creative career. All I am expressing is a strange moment I had when I was recognized for my art at my day job. It was a surreal exchange for me, an hopefully a kick in the ass to get out from behind this damn desk.
Grahm (Gram?), if you ever read this, I’d love to see that picture. I bet it’s hilarious.
It’s Monday! Which means it’s time for a new Receptionist episode. This one is inspired by cowboy politics and world leaders with undying egos that are gonna get us all killed (lovely, right?). I am so tired off all the pissing contests and dick measuring done by the powerful mad men of this crumbling globe. People who are more concerned about “Them Gays” getting married then they are about why we really invaded Iraq. Sad. Grow up world. Grow up.
God Tries Again was inspired by a lemur. I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about Ida, the 47 million year old fossil the scientists are claiming as the missing link. This is very exciting news to me, as I find creationism to be quite silly (no need to be insulted creationists, as you all think evolution is equally as silly). I wanted to make a Receptionist episode dealing with one of the main issues I have with the story of Genesis. It has always irked me that God created man to fail. It presented Adam and Eve with a deliciously tempting tree of apples. Apples that, for the stories sake, contained knowledge and truths. Then He (or She…I’m open minded) has the audacity to forbid this new and curious couple from eating any of them. That’s like plopping a six year old down in front of a plate of freshly baked, ooey gooey cookies, telling them not to eat any and then leaving the room. You are setting yourself up for disaster and you know it.
I don’t want people to think this short is anti-God. It’s not really. It’s more anti-literalists. People who claim that the bible is the infallible word of their Lord. To me this is a dangerous mind set, as their are some pretty dark ideas in that book and some scary contradictions. Nor am I trying to start a debate (although nothing wrong with a good healthy one). I’m simply expressing myself and the fears which seem to lurk closer and closer each year. Free knowledge for everyone and long live Ida!